Mark Twain (1835-1910)
So when Mark decided to walk Europe he had to take his friend Harris with him in order to have someone to blame things on and also because Harris knew more about art than Twain did. They took ship to Hamburg, Germany and stayed for about a week, getting organized. Then they decided to take the train to Frankfort because the pedestrian outlook was “unattractive”. In Frankfort the people dressed nicely and they had excellent cigars, but the duo moved on to Heidelberg almost immediately as the University and the Neckar river were their first goals.
Viewing the extraordinary scenery, Twain was moved to relate his story about Jim Baker and the Blue Jay. The former lived in a remote cabin in the California mountains and once observed a Jay dropping acorns into a deserted hovel through a knot hole in the roof. In short order a thousand birds were hovering around, apparently curious as to why the acorns seemed to disappear into a bottomless pit. Until one with more sense peeked in through the door and saw the floor covered with nuts. Prompting the observation that “A Jay hasn’t got any more principal than a Congressman”.
Mr. Twain went to some length in describing the dueling clubs associated with the College in Heidelberg. He was coerced into acting as second to a challenger, but both parties seemed upset when Twain suggested axes as appropriate tools of engagement, so he then proposed bricks at a distance of 3/4 of a mile. One duelist was badly injured when a sudden fog came up and he accidentally tripped over Mark and suffered a broken arm, some cracked ribs and dislocated his hip.
After attending a performance of Lohengrin, he stated it was like going to visit the dentist, adding “the funerals of opera-lovers don’t occur often enough”
Becoming enthused about a walking tour up the Neckar river, famous for its scenery, Harris and Twain accoutered themselves with packs, alpenstocks, and brogues. They got as far the train station and boarded it, only detraining at Heilbron, a fairly well-known tourist resort. But Twain had trouble sleeping. He checked his pedometer one morning and found he’d covered 47 miles in the night. Harris blamed him for having a nightmare about being drowned when Twain dumped a pitcher of water on his head.
They decided to ride a log raft down the river back to Heidelberg instead of walking. The rafts were constructed in a sort of loose, elongated form, so as to enable them to flex when encountering sharp bends in the river. For the most part, it was an ideal trip, with the two lolling about, smoking cigars, and noting the striking scenery: castles surmounting the ridges and clffs, abundant forests, the sunshine, and the quiet gurgle of the water. Nearing Heidelberg again, Twain persuaded the raft master to let him have a turn steering the vessel, citing his experience as a river boat pilot. It was quite embarrassing when he ran the craft into a bridge abutment. He didn’t have much to say about that.
Next they entrained to Baden-Baden for a very short stay, mainly due to the aggravating
Americans they found occupying the hotels and boarding houses. They actually began real hiking when they reached the Black Forest. They were delighted by the view of the Allerheiligan gorge from a point midway between Baden-Baden and Oppenau. When they finally reached the latter town, Twain proudly noted that the pedometer registered 146 miles covered in only two days. But he was chagrined when his map listed the distance as 10.25 miles.
Returning to Baden-Baden, they took the train to Lucerne, soon after visiting an art museum that was featuring a display of Turner landscapes. Twain said a friend of his thought Turner’s work resembled ” a tortoise shell cat having a fit in a platter of tomatoes”…
They liked Lucerne, all except for the ubiquitous cuckoo clocks and the touristy gim-crackery. After taking the small steamboat, they did hike up the Rigi (a 6000 foot high peak) and were pleased at having forgone the cog railway train. They stayed overnight in the hotel on top. One of the attractions was watching the sunrise from the top, featuring the early morning light illuminating the whole range of Alps. Harris woke Twain in the morning and they wrapped themselves in red blankets and dashed outdoors, eager to catch the first flare of light. Only to find themselves being stared at by 250 American tourists in the broad sunlight of full day. They’d overslept and it was 2:00 in the afternoon.
Back in Lucerne, they wanted to hike to Interlaken, but the weather was too good, so they went by carriage. Harris observed that the glaciers on the adjacent Jungfrau seemed dirty and that it was a shame that the local authorities didn’t arrange to have them cleaned once in a while. Meanwhile, Twain had a dream fantasy that he was going to climb the Riffelberg ( a minor eminence of no great authority) and so hired 198 guides, porters, and 4 pastry cooks, a herd of mules, 22 barrels of whiskey, and 7 cans of nitroglycerine. On the second day a large rock obstructed the parade, so they camped overnight and were a woken by a loud explosion when one of the mules ate a can of nitro and blew itself and the rock to smithereens. The party roped up and edged around the large hole in the ground and proceeded to make their way up the mountain. Spending the night in the hotel, the next morning they climbed the Gorner Grat (a nearby viewing site) and conducted a few scientific experiments. They boiled a thermometer and a barometer and demonstrated conclusively that “Above a certain point the higher a point seems to be, the lower it actually is”. Preparing for the descent of the mountain, the party ensconced themselves on the Gorner glacier, having heard that it moved down the mountain due to the influence of gravity. They noticed that the glacier was leaking and Harris stated that the government was to blame for not plugging up the holes. When Twain wanted to test the local gravity by substituting an umbrella for a parachute (with the assistance of Harris), a minor disagreement arose between the two friends that was only resolved when the entourage, becoming weary of waiting for the glacier to reach the bottom, gathered together their traps and slogged back to Interlaken. They climbed Mt. Blanc (by telescope: it only cost them 3 francs) and saw the moon rise over that mountain. Twain promulgated another theory, that “the moon can’t be higher than 12,200 feet because of the gravity of its refraction being subdued by earth’s refrangibility”. And they did do some hiking on the local moraines, and proposed ascents on Mts. Dinnerhorn, Popocatepetl, Powderhorn, Saddlehorn, and the Himalayas before leaving to tour Italy, Spain, France, and Belgium.
It’s hard to know what to say bout this book, other than it’s zany to the point of derangement. I’ve read a lot of Twain and mostly found him to be mildly satirical and politely humorous, but this book is jammed full of stories (which i’ve avoided mentioning) and opinions and dreams and attitudes which are so outlandish and hilarious that they seem to border on mania, sometimes… It was great fun to read and really swept me into Twain’s extraterrestrial world… I can honestly say that i’ve never read anything quite like it… highly recommended as a cure for those in distress from too intensive an association with reality…